Violet turned one month old this past Saturday. I have had the joy of being present for every waking moment of her life so far. Whether it was 3am or 3pm, weekend or weekday, or even 4th of July weekend, I could swaddle, hold, feed and sing to my daughter whenever I wanted. And while I understand that I run a distant second to Regina in terms of immediate sustenance, I like to think that my nonsensical bedtime songs and expert swaddling abilities are somehow imprinting a sense of dad's love and ultimate authority over who she dates.
Like I said, it's been a joy.
But with one short week left, I've also started to feel a little guilty about how much time I've been off. I know my colleagues at work would smack me upside the head for saying so. When I think about the empathy, love, flexibility and support they've shown me, I realize that there is no one on Earth luckier than me to have the kind of friends as colleague that I have. Seriously. Don't even try. You're not luckier than me. I win on this one.
With that being said, I figured it's only natural to feel this guilt. The onward march of academia slows for no one, right? Think of the schedule that had to be covered, the patients that had to be seen, emails to be returned, unforeseen snags I wasn't there to volunteer to help work out, those poor residents aimlessly shuffling by my office door seeking out my sage advice....
Or, as so expertly described by Peter Venkman in Ghostbusters: "Dogs and cats living together...mass hysteria!"
But even when I rationalize this guilt, it hits me even harder that I was blessed with an amount of paid time off so few men are afforded in this country. Of course, this country's woeful disregard for maternity leave is a well-documented affront to the "family values" so many in power claim to fight for. In fact, one of the best editorials I've ever seen on this was just recently delivered by John Oliver on Last Week Tonight. If you haven't seen it, take a few minutes and watch it here...it's fantastic:
It's sad that a foreign-born comedian with a Green Card has a better grasp on this uniquely American problem than most elected officials in Washington. If only John Oliver were eligible to run for President.
But paternity leave, beyond the usual economic arguments, still remains a societal taboo to some extent. While the term Family Medical Leave has shifted focus to become more inclusive of family members and medical conditions, the actual act of a father taking extended, unencumbered time off to support his wife and change a diaper or two is stuck somewhere in the 80's, where men's role in a family are sandwiched between National Lampoon's Vacation and Mr. Mom. Mention "paternity leave" to some folks and there's a good chance you'll get a snicker or some comment about wearing fake boobs to help with breastfeeding. I wish I were making this up, but even with my overwhelmingly positive experience, this still happened.
I know this may sound like a whole lot of first-world complaining, but this country has always taken a horribly third-world stance on this subject. By far, women bear the brunt of this by absorbing the double-insult of unpaid medical leave ON TOP of wage inequality that stems from a belief that they take more time off for family. But as a new generation of men seeking similar opportunities to bond with their children, the two biggest obstacles we must overcome include the macho-breadwinner archetype we've designed and the belief that our work hours are somehow more valuable than doing laundry for our exhausted postpartum partners.
It's mind-numbing to think, as a country, we don't see the overall economic and societal benefits that paid family leave can provide, despite proof from every corner of the earth. I'm sure the first thing you'll hear is that America just isn't like those damn socialist Scandinavian countries where people get 6 months off for adopting a new dog (more eloquently explained in this New Yorker article). But you now don't have to look any further than our own California (which some will still try to label as foreign Socialist country) for proof that paid family medical leave makes economic sense.
While I can talk a big game on a societal level, I'll admit I don't have any big solutions beyond my own experience. I saved up as much vacation time as I could, amassed as much credibility with my coworkers as possible, got to know the ins-and-outs of my institutions FMLA policies, and ultimately made contingency plans for unpaid time.
And even after all this, I still feel LUCKY for having this precious time off.
LUCKY?
In some ways, I think this is how I rationalize my guilt.
But paternity leave, beyond the usual economic arguments, still remains a societal taboo to some extent. While the term Family Medical Leave has shifted focus to become more inclusive of family members and medical conditions, the actual act of a father taking extended, unencumbered time off to support his wife and change a diaper or two is stuck somewhere in the 80's, where men's role in a family are sandwiched between National Lampoon's Vacation and Mr. Mom. Mention "paternity leave" to some folks and there's a good chance you'll get a snicker or some comment about wearing fake boobs to help with breastfeeding. I wish I were making this up, but even with my overwhelmingly positive experience, this still happened.
I know this may sound like a whole lot of first-world complaining, but this country has always taken a horribly third-world stance on this subject. By far, women bear the brunt of this by absorbing the double-insult of unpaid medical leave ON TOP of wage inequality that stems from a belief that they take more time off for family. But as a new generation of men seeking similar opportunities to bond with their children, the two biggest obstacles we must overcome include the macho-breadwinner archetype we've designed and the belief that our work hours are somehow more valuable than doing laundry for our exhausted postpartum partners.
It's mind-numbing to think, as a country, we don't see the overall economic and societal benefits that paid family leave can provide, despite proof from every corner of the earth. I'm sure the first thing you'll hear is that America just isn't like those damn socialist Scandinavian countries where people get 6 months off for adopting a new dog (more eloquently explained in this New Yorker article). But you now don't have to look any further than our own California (which some will still try to label as foreign Socialist country) for proof that paid family medical leave makes economic sense.
While I can talk a big game on a societal level, I'll admit I don't have any big solutions beyond my own experience. I saved up as much vacation time as I could, amassed as much credibility with my coworkers as possible, got to know the ins-and-outs of my institutions FMLA policies, and ultimately made contingency plans for unpaid time.
And even after all this, I still feel LUCKY for having this precious time off.
LUCKY?
In some ways, I think this is how I rationalize my guilt.
3 comments:
Quite eloquently put, Jerry.
Please keep writing.
Please keep writing.
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